it's strange to see just one door waiting

Karoline bought me an advent calendar just before the season started. It hangs above my bed as a sweet reminder that each day ticks by, always closer to the holy night.

Now that we're done with shopping (well, I am. I hope you are too) and we are just about ready to snuggle into the holiday. It's strange how anti-climactic it can all seem.

They took down the Weihnachtsmarkt today in the city center. I was properly bummed as I walked through, all the once festively adorned little shacks stripped bare if present at all. The season comes and goes; it must; it is part of life. But still I look at my little calendar with the one door waiting and wonder. I wonder what it we are waiting for.

We know by now that this wasn't actually the time our Lord was born, but rather just a time of celebration. We know by now that all our traditions and stories have little to do with the actual events; they're more a mix of old heathen ideas, misunderstandings, and things decreed long ago. But still I'll wait to open the last door.

But I don't want to wait another year to celebrate, and I don't mean having Christmas in July. I want to sing our "Christmas" songs every day, always remembering that God actually came to be one of us for a while. So much is packed into what happened, so much poured into our reality. What are we waiting for?

.jrs.

you wanna give a quarter

just because you can?

act three: the future

so what's to come from me, what's to come of me?

what's my path, where will i go from here?

i would like to say i know, and i think i do. did i tell you about the puzzle pieces yet? the one's that i think i've been finding and putting together? the painting i think i've been working out over time? the one i don't want to show anyone?

maybe i will finally find all the edge pieces; maybe i will go buy a watercolor set from the store.

what i do know i want to do with my life is be worth something. i want to share my blessings and make lives around our world better. i want to shape the context in which we live, not because i think i see a better way, but rather because i know i see a better day.

i haven't seen things so revealed that they could drive the hearts of thousands to change, i've just seen that things can be better.

i've seen that we can figure stuff out and we can come together to work our figuring into reality.

and that is what i will be a part of.

i will be a part of reality.

(secretly i do not know what i'm talking about, but let's just keep that between you and me.)

.jrs.

intermission 2

quiet music plays in the background

intermission

i just realized that i miss npr. dumb thing to miss. i don't miss much to be honest. i'm still not sure if that's good or not. most people i would see or have contact with i can still see or have contact with via email, facebook, skype (it's great to actually video chat with people. ive always thought it was cool, so i wouldn't say i miss anyone really.

sure i look forward to seeing everyone again.

it's more the things i can't really get or shouldn't be spending my time on here.
npr just happens to be one of my things.
strange.

oh well.

back to the show.

act two: scene two also to be known as "connected"

an empty room, only a shadow of a light brings to view the silhouette of a chair off to one side, also empty.

suddenly, someone is sitting in the chair. the room is bright, white.
sitting on the chair is jacob.
he begins to speak, quietly at first, but as time draws on he seems to believe what he is saying, and so speaks with greater tempo and volume.

jacob:
we're connected to everything now. somehow i came to a clip on youtube once about the ten dimensions we can understand, well, someone can understand. everything was connected. everything keeps moving on, time, space, eternity, all moving but we can only see our tile of it.

then i was getting ready to write some letters, some christmas letters. perfect time to listen to some music. i couldn't think of who to write to. more importantly i couldn't think of who not to write to. i didn't even put on christmas music.

then rage against the machine popped up. i like the song. it was a live version. when i heard it i thought about everything again.

we're all connected.

we have it all at our fingertips now, and it's only drawing closer to our hearts, up our sleeves, soaking our shirts. music, times, people, from all over. rage, barry manilow, some random rap music, christians, muslims, country, people from all over the world, and that's just in my itunes. and that's just in my head.

so i think of this and (and my mind wanders more often than not. i hate it when i try to pray sometimes and realized i quit praying three minutes ago and started thinking about squirrels and/or candy wrappers.) and my mind drifts to how we are all connected, but we are still so far apart. it does not make any sense.

so what do i do? i set myself to change the world.

light flicks off. jacob's outline looks up, surprised by the end of the scene.

act two: scene one

we find ourselves in a small room on the third floor of a house in Jena-Ost. the bed is almost neatly made with a blanket and little white bear halfway tucked between the blanket and the pillow. a thin sweater sits on the stool just behind the open door. the radiator bubbles away slightly. air has gathered in the pipes and needs to be let out. a few books, some partially read, others never really opened yet are perched upon the windowsill looking out to the world.

the hour is just past one in the afternoon. the house is quiet save for the preparation of lunch down in the kitchen.

jacob tosses his backpack onto the bed and reaches for his computer.

he stops, and looks out the window.

why haven't i read those books yet, he thinks to himself.
i want some candy, he thinks again, as he reaches over the frame of the bed to the shelf finding a simple, blue wrapped treat. peanuts, caramel, and chocolate. delicious.

what do i want with this life, jacob thinks.
i can't believe i don't think about this more. but i do. i think about it a lot. i think about it all the time. but i never find my answers. but i do. i find them a lot. i find my answers all the time. but i never follow them.

jacob is met with this truth rather aggressively. maybe i should eat some more candy, he thinks. maybe i should not have candy, he thinks again.

maybe i should write down my answers, that could help me follow them, but he knows this is not true.

in a few days, jacob will read an idea about being in reality weaker than one thinks one is, and he will begin to wonder.

act one:scene three

by now our friend jacob has lost the desire to rethink his situation every time he meets people (have i told you recently that i've been habitually typing meat in place of meet and then changing it to its intent. huh. wonder what that means. i also used to always write a "b" when i wanted a "p" even typing it in that way, which is much more concerning seeing as how the letters typed aren't nearly as similar as they are spelled. huh.).

enter kulturebahnhoff, the second floor cafe in the fairly rundown saalbahnhoff not far from the center of Jena. the night is monday, the time is fairly late, but still hours before an average person of jacob's age would find himself in bed. the weather is horrible. it has been raining since earlier this afternoon, taking only the briefest of breaks to snow, then returning to the sludgy drizzle. but our friend has an umbrella. take that rain. ha.

of course the normally brisk fifteen minute walk is not much different than usual, but along the way through this less than favorable weather jacob thinks to himself if anyone will really come today. maybe he should have checked facebook before he left.

surely enough, upon opening the door, jacob is met by an almost empty room. as he turns to leave, he sees a face. "hey i know him."

matthias: "uh, hallo?"
jacob: "oh hey." they are here after all, but just two or three of the usual ten-fifteen.
matthias: "so, where are the rest of us?"
jacob: "ha, yeah, this weather is pretty bad."

conversation leans this way and that way. the kicker is played, jacob and matthias taking two consecutive losses with a certain mixture of class and self-defeat.

matthias: "i was never really clear, what do you do for the church you work for?"
jacob: "for, maybe not the right word. with, maybe."
matthias: "oh, huh. so what do you do with them."

everything really. anything practically. bibelkreis needs some explaining. we get together and talk about the bible. we try to meet as a group of younger students too. the pastor is 70? oh no his son is 17? that makes more sense. so yeah, we try to hang out. at the church? yeah, sometimes. sometimes out in the city.

but why does jacob not bring back the idea of goals. it's fine to share the pieces of the puzzle, but if you could just look at my box, maybe you could see the picture. maybe if you saw the picture you could see what i am putting together. maybe you could see why i'm doing it this way.

but all jacob shows, maybe all jacob knows right now, is the pieces, fragments of the truth seeming to be the whole itself.

the night wears on. they all move to the couch. the australians sent a package, sweet. pictures flash, minutes pass. good night.

scene.

act one:scene two

(i am not really sure what entails the changing of acts. ha.)

jacob is walking his normal route to class. it is early, somewhere around quarter till 9 in the morning. he walks over the bridge covering the river Saale. he looks at the water like he does so many time and it hits him, maybe not for the first time, but it strikes him new none the less.

the river is flowing, it is moving. it is always moving. the water is always cycling through the world. this water wasn't here last night, it probably won't be here again. still we think of it all as the same. it is just the water that is the river that is flowing from over there to over there. its beginning and its end are irrelevant, at least to this bridge they are. the river doesn't think about where it flows, it just flows. the drifting sticks and leaves, they don't think about where they're being taken; they just float on their lazy path until they meet that rock that happens to be sticking up just past the waters edge.

the beauty of the world captures jacob's eyes. he begins to wonder, at some points aloud, if it would be possible for him to make a quick trade with the leaf. maybe jacob could float the lazy river, and the leaf could learn a new language. maybe it could be easy. maybe it is easy.

jacob begins to wonder if he is the leaf all along. who's the rock? who's the bank? the seconds pass by. they weren't here last night, and won't be here again. they tick by, hand on a face, numbers on a watch. who is watching? who is seeing his life drifting the path of time and wishing they could trade just for a moment, if that would even mean something to them. maybe they could learn a new language, and jacob could go on to more important things.

scene.

act one: scene one

when you move to a new place and meet new people, one of the first inquiries to meet you is to your occupation. "hi, jacob. mark is it? mark. mark. (secretly i know i'll forget his name but whatever)what is it you do? are you studying here? yeah? what are you studying? oh cool, that sounds interesting. me? oh well. . ."

it's fun when you don't really fit into any category (especially when your applying for a visa to stay in another country. ha.). what do i say? that's where we find ourselves in this scene.

slightly crowded apartment in Jena, Germany. hallway to the door is full of people and beer crates. each room, aside from the one closed and the bathroom (of course) holds its own little party all joining together in some semi-fluid state.

enters a young, simply dressed man. he doesn't use the bell. he doesn't know the name or exact number of the apartment, but he's sure he's at the right place. he doesn't need the bell; he has impeccable timing. reaching for the door as someone is leaving, our young man walks up the first flight of stairs in no rush.

he tosses a candy wrapper into the stairwell's mostly empty trash can as he places his gloves in his coat and zips them into security. not completely sure what to do when he walks through the door, he looks around for some sign of familiarity.

"Jacob!" comes a cry from the first room on our left (i am 22 years old, and i almost always have to still put up my hands in front of my face to tell my left from my right. i make an L with my left and write with my right. worthless).

"Annette. Hey!" our young friend has already found his in. he is in. off comes the jacket and thus begins the getting to knowing. names are shared. jokes are made about how our young Jacob's German is not perfect, and maybe it would help if everyone spoke "s e h r lang-sam u n d deut-lich"

[translated]
jacob: "So what are you doing here, studying?"
thomas: "Yeah," leaning in a bit for secrecy, "I'm actually in my first semester."
jacob: "So what do you study?"
thomas: "Economy"
jacob: understanding science and not economy (wissenschaft vs wirtschaft) "Really. Huh. What in particular. That's kind of a broad subject."
thomas: "Huh? What do you mean?"
jacob: "Science, that's a bit broad. Are you studying, like, biology or something?"
thomas: "Oh no, not science, economy. You know, money and stuff."
jacob: "Oh, ok, that's pretty important now."
thomas: "Yeah with all this shit crisis going on. Ha!"

the topic flows from point to point. eventually thomas brings the question back upon our friend jacob.

thomas: "And you? Are you in some exchange thing?" already knowing jacob is American, not from around here.
jacob: "Uh, no, not exactly. I'm actually done with school for the most part. I'm doing an internship of sorts with a church here."

not falling into any clear box of understanding this subject is explained a bit more thoroughly: what kind of church? what do you do for the internship? how did you find out about this church? what else do you do with your time here? how did you come to this party?

time passes. topics change and change again. drinks are drank, chips are ate, people move in and out of the room.

[again translated, mostly]
jacob to matthias: "Hey."
matthias: "Hey."
both already know each other and have for about a month now.
jacob: "Hey, what are you studying. I've known you now for about a month, and I don't know what you're studying."
matthias: "Physics."
jacob: "Oh, cool, what exactly, anything specific?"
matthias: "Micro-something or other."
jacob: "Cool. I think I know someone who's in that area. Maybe they're doing their doctorate though. I dunno."
matthias: "Yeah, who?"
jacob: "Uh, uh, i dunno."
matthias: "Oh."

somehow the topic traces to what jacob is doing here. matthias already knows, but somehow, maybe brought up by someone else, they talk a bit more about what jacob is doing.

jacob: "I guess it boils down to the fact that I want to start communities. Sure right now I'm doing that specifically as a Christian church, but I think I want to just build communities, no strings attached. I like living here in Germany, but I think I'd prefer to help start or rebuild communities in other places."
matthias: "Oh? Like where?"
jacob: "Like in those type of places, those squatter town places, outside of big cities, where people live in cardboard shacks with dirt floors and stuff."
this takes some explaining but understanding is reached pretty quickly.
jacob: "Yeah, I dunno, it's just an idea right now."

the night wears on. the topic of occupation is discussed at least twice more. shady wine from the south of france is drunk. pretzels and bbq chips are eaten.

as jacob finally walks home somewhere round the hour of four in the morning, he thinks over again to himself what he is doing. it's a thought that has been trapped in between his ears for some time now. it seems with every step, every time he has to explain again what he is doing, he is beginning to open his eyes a bit more to what he wants to do. he takes a detour on the way home. he walks beside the river. he takes off his glove and reaches slowly into the flowing water. it is cold, very cold. maybe it's the hour, maybe it's a slight innibriation, but he feels the water just only enough to know it is there, moving.

the river is always moving.

the revelation of jacob

so maybe i'm not on some island, maybe i havenot supped with our Lord, maybe i'm not waking up to see horses and fire and crazy things all around. . .

but i do listen to good music, and i've been thinking of things for a while.

where do i begin?

first of all, i'm really unsure of my readership, that that i do not trust you all, i just don't know who you all are. seriously. does anybody read this other than dustin?
i just had to get that off my chest so i can start.

so what comes to follow are the feelings and ideas i've had concerning the future lately. when i was bringing my high school years to a close, i would have honestly told you i couldn't see myself past 18. all i saw was this nebulous black cloud of future. i thought maybe that meant i was destined to die before my nineteenth year, or at the very least sometime still with youth.

a couple years passed, i added candles to the cake, and i think it was when i was 20. . .1? 21? yeah, that i felt like i had my 18th birthday all over again. three years later and i still had no clue where i was headed. i was deep in the future cloud i had once seen looming on the horizon, and felt left to no end.

i remember the exact situation when i thought i had my second eighteenth birthday, but that's not important right now. suffice it to say, i haven't felt much guidance or direction for the past four or five years.

(funny, i was once told to write down where i wanted to be in five and ten years. i think i actually wrote this down, but i still never really believed it)

so when my eyes began to open over the past few months, i was a bit taken aback. i cannot say i fear anything about the future, but i am still unsure of it. i also would be out of place to say i have firm plans or grand ideas, but i do have ideas that seem wonderful to me.

so please, if you are in fact reading, enjoy what is to come. it might just be some self-fulfilling prophecy.

.jrs.

thanks giving

the other day was great. we put off thanksgiving till friday so we could fit it in better with peoples' schedules here. it's not a holiday, so nobody had off.

i was just looking through that last post from my journal. it's probably a bit confusing without complete explanation, so if you are reading it scratching your head at points, shoot me an email and i'll clear it all up.

but our dinner was great. lots of people filled the house and we ate and ate and ate. six hours after the dinner, i still had a proper belly-ache. that's how you know it was good.

i've got a lot of thinking to do, about life in general, though, so the thankfulness comes almost as an afterthought. this is kindof loaded too, but i'll clear it all up in the next few posts.

.jrs.

ripped straight from the journal

so, what follows is from my journal entry for today. i'm gonna leave it unedited, maybe to give a better feel for everything i was thinking and how i was scratching down my mind, maybe because i don't really want to read through it all again and make it into a project.

anyway, here's my story:

28 November 2008
17-? – Thanksgiving dinner

Well, I woke up a bit late today, but I still got some solid info and am looking forward to a good day. I cleaned the bathroom a bit and got ready for the day, then I helped Karoline make some stuffing. We baked our pies last night—Karoline two pumpkin, I two apple—so we had room this morning for cornbread and this afternoon for the turkey. Everything’s just kind of getting ready now. Karoline is cleaning this or that because Jozeka and Miriam are coming back this weekend, I think with some friends.

Oh but let me catch up a bit. I’ve been missing a couple days here and there, usually trying to fill in the blanks, but now I’m just gonna leave them blank and fill in with a quick recap. Let’s see, the last I wrote was Tuesday, so the last two days then. Wednesday was the opening of the Weihnachtsmarkt downtown, so I met a bunch of people from Stammtisch to try out the glühwein and hang out. It was pretty nice. Glühwein is just mulled wine, nice and warm and tasty to boot.

The next day during our break, Katarina wanted to go through the Markt, so I tagged along for fun. I think she really wanted to buy cigarettes, but I kept her from that maybe. Good thing though. Then we were walking through and I realized the place we avoided because they were selling beer instead of glühwein was from Papiermüle, the local brewery. So, at 10.30 I took down a sweet, smooth Pils with no regret. Katarina made fun of me for drinking so early, but it was good.

Rocco did the book table in the city, but instead of going right there after class, I went with Katarina and Dinny (that’s how your supposed to spell here name I found out) to Burgau which just on the way out of town to see a “Weihnachtsmarkt” there. Bogus. It was just a garden supply store with a few fish and birds too. Laaaame. But we went there anyways, it was fun hanging out. Katarina told us then that she’ll probably be stopping the class we’re all in because it’s not challenging her enough. It’s true, but I enjoy the pace right now. I think I need to do more work though to feel some real growth. Maybe she’ll find a better class and we can all transfer over.

So that brings us pretty much up to today. A day late, a couple dollars plus and minus (I figured out my banking stuff, but still am bleeding some money into transaction fees. Sparkasse said I can open a Girokonto there for free though, so I might jump on that bus) I am thankful for so many things. I’m trying to take pictures to share with everyone, but we’ll see how far that all goes. I’ll probably be able to send them out on Saturday if not this evening.

welp, smell ya later.

.jrs.

i've been trying to watch more tv

well, that is not exactly true. it might be true if i thought it would be a good idea, but what is true is that i've been trying to check out more news programs in german.

mainly i've been peeking ard's online news, but i try to read some other stuff too. they have a lot of video's which i find easier to put on in the background so i can do other things all the while and pick up on german piece wise.

sometimes i feel like watching foreign news, even though i understand it all, is a lot like watching something put together by an airline to show on thier inflight entertainment. when i start to think about all the different programs and things i'm taking in now, my mind often also wanders to the fact that there are so many things going on around the world.

i need a helmet, because my minds about to be blown.

so what's in the news? if you're on a merchant ship near somalia, watch out for pirates. if you are a member of the bedouin tribe in israel, congradulations with obama. if you buy a new macbook, you probably download movies off itunes, and now you cannot watch them on an external monitor (sorry).

ok those last two weren't german, but they're news.

.jrs.

some times i wonder

i don't mind living my life day by day, putting in the hours (ok, maybe it's not even much of a choice) just as practice for things to come.

i have come to the conclusion that even if what i do today is not important it could prepare me for something to come tomorrow that could change the world, or at least change something.

but still, i wonder. i wonder to myself every now and again what i am practicing for, when will i get my chance to make the change. perhaps i should be a bit more proactive on my way to the future, stretching out my hands to mold the days to come, but i have always been more typically the one to sit back and see how things unfold, placing my special crease on just the right part at just the right moment.

but still, i wonder.

.jrs.

word of the day: rutschig

it means slippery.

sometimes you learn a word and forget it because you don't end up using it for a couple days, and then when you would like it, it is already forgotten. i learned rutschig and most of it's variations i couple of weeks ago in class and was delighted when i got to use it the next day, and the next, and the next.

rocco's youngest son, jaron, is the main attraction when it comes to rutschen (slipping). he's about 3 and a half (3,5 if you wanna look at it German-ically. they use commas where we in the US would use points. not always easy to get used to) and he falls on his face. a lot.

but we all slip in this way or that. things slip my mind more often than jaron's feet from underneeth himself. this makes it hard to learn new words here and there, but i'm getting better.

.jrs.

another good cause

i was reading another blog the other day and found a suggestion to do something easy, fun and worth while.

i've seen a couple of these types of fundraisers, more of a "give me a reason to give money" tied to "hey look a this great organization more," and i have to say i like what i see.

here are my beards.




go a head to http://buildabeard.helloatto.com/ if you wanna join the fun.

growing pains

“It’s all just part of life,” they say. When I was growing up, I was always one of the smaller guys in the group. For years I hated my stature, never confident in my abilities, but I never welcomed growing pains. That was until I found out what they were. When I figured out the aches in my knees meant I was getting taller I welcomed it with grins if not grimaces. I so desperately wanted to be taller, even if it meant being the awkward kid who fell down a lot and had a squeaky voice. Somehow, I knew that kid was the one who was moving on past our childhood.

I wonder though what triggers in our minds that tells us we no longer need these pains or that being the lanky one
fumbling around is so bad. You would think by now we’d get it. I’m getting it again in some of the strangest ways. Tonight we played a couple games in Jaron’s room. A little background to make this painting pop: Jaron is three years old. Around his room disjointed, halfway broken toys and trinkets lay taking up just as little space as he does. One of the games we played was Spielgeschichte, the game of telling stories found in pictures. Jaron, Camilla—she’s eleven and sometimes just as tempered as her younger brother—and I each took three characters and their respective tiles. We lined them up nice and straight, Jaron with help from his mom Karoline. Then, taking turns, we each told three small stories. Sadly enough, my stories were of all three the most fumbled.

When I was just halfway through my first story about a pig finding a duck and a hen along a path, I started feeling like I should never had started playing at all. Then I realized these are my growing pains. So I waited patiently and told my stories, as awkward as they were. Maybe soon I will be taller.

one giant leap for. . .

sometimes you have to make a fool of yourself. i just wrote a short letter in german to a made up newspaper about a made up story. i'm not going crazy or wasting my time; it was for my class.

i know for sure at least fifty percent of the letter is comprised of mistakes, and what is at least written correctly either has no real german meaning, is not really a proper response to the article, or is wrong for some other reason i don't yet understand or remember.

all that aside, i wrote a letter in german. i figure if i write a hundred letters, one of them is bound to be good. hopefully not the forty-third one, though, because that would mean i just pulled through by chance.

i regularly hear people say here that my german is really good. i know most of them are offering a genuine compliment, but if they could only see what i really would like to say, maybe they would realize why i disagree.

tschüss

.jrs.

14 oktober 2008

today's class was annoying. i knew i didn't understand the homework, but i was blown away as we went through it. i had no idea what to do, and the simplicity of it all kept slapping me in the face.

i got a fourth of it right. booo. i was constantly frustrated because i had no idea where to begin.

i really just need to get a vocab book (aka a dictionary) and start learning.

.jrs.


prayers - that i start understanding more german
- that i start building new relationships
- that new opportunities keep opening up here

today i am frustrated

sometimes i feel so incapable of learning what i need to learn.

i'm already quiet, so when i don't know how to say what i would say, it's like entering a black hole of communication. everything is just sucked into a void.

sucky.

i'm not sure if i've ever practiced something until i've been really good. that frustrates me even more. i have no track record of improvement.

goodnight.
goodmorning.
goodnight.
goodmorning.
goodnight.

.jrs.

with one hand he giveth, and the other he smacketh thee across the face

jk. but seriously, it's been a while since i last posted. and before that i had a double-day.

inconsistent. yes. but i'll try to stay consistently inconsistent.

i've actually been writing still, i just put it onto a newsletter instead. that's right, november's letter is well under way. prepare to be fall-en. i really love the colors of fall sometimes. oh well, it is to come. i'll probably rip the stories from there and put them here and replace them to keep it well up to date.

times are really starting to pick up. i need to start getting my visa situation dealt with so i can get a bank account here and start being a part of this place. i'm still in a bit of a no-man's-land. like i've said before, though, it's acceptable for now, but not for long.

my friend pointed out the other day that i am technically living in your future. as i write, most of you are enjoying your friday afternoon and i the night. it should be a tame night, joel has soccer in the morning. it's an away game so he'll be up around 6.30 to leave, and it's the first day of his fall break (a whopping two weeks!).

anyway, drop me an email if you wanna hear more. i love to chat, but hate to drag this thing on too long. you know were to find me.

.jrs.


if you don't, it's jacobrstarkey@gmail.com

http://www.ted.com/index.php/talks/dan_gilbert_asks_why_are_we_happy.html

[A]   watch the video on the link in the title and tell  me what you think.

[B]   I'm wearing my glasses now.  I've been wearing the same glasses for the past 9 or 10 years, of course with some changes in perscription.  To be fully honest, this pair I've only had for 8 years or so, but the style is the same.

So much has changed about me, but my glasses have not.  

I had my eyes checked recently, and talked with my parents about getting new glasses.  Just barely on the edge of adulthood, I could probably still get that by without problem.  We were going to do it even, but never did.  I looked at myself in the mirror and saw all of the same things I've seen for so long.  They're round, fully rimmed, a bit uneven looking on my face.  

But then I realized that I wanted them.  I made the choice to have them as my glasses.  This will be who I am now.  Maybe I'll change glasses later, but I decided these are the ones I want.

It's nice believing that you like something.  I'm not saying I had to talk myself into it;  I just had to believe it, and I do.  To be quite honest, it is liberating.

.jrs.

oh garsh!

two-fer: 1) Pizza Shuttle deal in Manhattan,KS, where you can get two pizza's and two drinks for a good deal; see also three-fer, four-fer, etc. (2) Tuesday nights on KRock 101.5 in Manhattan, KS, during which a song is followed by another song from the same band. (3) The rare, but blessed occurance on this blog when I post more than once in a day.

living in manhattan for the past four years has graced me with this idea of the two-fer, so i thought i would shed this light upon you if you hadn't already know it.

i noticed today (not for the first time, but for again) that i just nod my head and agree a lot instead of telling people i don't understand or don't know what they're talking about.  i lie to them, baisically, to make it easier.  

why?

it's obviously not good for communication.  it makes me look stupid, too, well sometimes.  i just don't want to take the time to go over and over and over what is trying to be said, so i take the shortcut.

i need to change that.  i've needed to change that for a long time.

.jrs.

simply put

THANKS

For some reason or another, i've been kindof down the past day or so.  sometimes it's just from being quiet all the time.  i think the changes are starting to come to life for me.  a couple of times i've risen not really knowing where i was.  all this is expected to happen, so it's really nothing to worry about.

but to everyone supporting me through encouragement, finances, emails, everything, one huge thank you.  every single thing, big and small, day and night, even and especially the things i don't see, all these things have really helped keep me in good spirits.

today i slept/prayed/read my bible/slept some more/prayed/whatev until 11.  i felt a bit like a slug, but it was good for me.  i kept having this feeling like i needed to do it, even though i wanted to get up and be a part of life.

anways,  thanks so much.

.jrs.

two thoughts of the day, plus another

erste (first)

i saw a calender today in the shop for 2009.  i will be missing new years eve.  not a big deal.  but still something strange to think.  i'll also miss a friends wedding the day after.  best wishes kaleigh.

zweite (second)

i watched an episode of monk today about christmas.  i'll also miss christmas.  that one is a bit deeper cutting, but still i can handle.  it will be great honestly.  since this thought is pretty much the first one, let's open it up a little:

to be honest, i feel a bit timid about setting my roots here.  during the bible study we had tonight i realized that i could definitely live here forever, no problem.  sure i'd miss family and some american things, but i'd love it here.  then i realized i could love to live in Steinheim (where i was a couple years ago).  or to live in manhattan where i have a solid job already (actually two if i want, plus i could get any number more, and go to an easy school and have lots of close friends, blah blah).  or i could live in wichita where most my family is and opportunity abounds.  or africa; i have some friends there.  or i could go live anywhere else in the world (probably under the radar, but whatev).

so i think to myself, "why here."  well, right now, i believe it's the right place.  honestly the need for strong christians is greater than in america, i.e. there are fewer here.  the need for sure is equal everywhere, but fewer are here.

i was thinking about that though, as i pondered being ok with missing christmas.  simply put, i could live anywhere, so why here?

.jrs.

plus another

i always stay up to late.  emails, posts, reading, skype, whatev.  it's hard to just go to sleep.

.goodnight.

the beauty of the fall

if you live anywhere with seasons, you don't have to look far now for beauty.  just walking around town is a sight for me these days.

some of you asked me about the temperature difference from home to Jena.  it's colder here.  dunno for sure why (well, yes i do, it's farther north by 13 degrees), but i do know i could use another sweater.

we went on a walk saturday.  by walk i mean a small hike.  it was great.  i was reminded of those time lapse shots you see on planet earth (worst link ever, i know, but it took me too long to just find this, so deal with it.  jk, but seriously) or something of the forests changing color.  it really is beautiful to see.

the world around us may not be perfect, sometimes it hurts, but maybe its the familiarity that makes it so astounding.  maybe more it's a glimpse of what we could be, what we should be.

.jrs.

tomorrow i take an entrance exam of sorts to the german class i'll be taking.  it should go well (it will).  step one to settling in: create a schedule and build new friendships.

i watched the first debate last night

i still can't decide who to vote for.  more importantly, i'm wondering it's importance.

i know it is important, but i really have a hard time holding faith in government.  will we ever see a system not designed to fatten the fat but rather honestly serve in the way it is designed to?  i do not think so.  every so often i have fancies of joining politics and being a part of a change to honest government, but i am never sure if it is even possible.

rocco has said his point of view to me a couple times, and it makes some sense.  he holds that governments in the end do not matter, because there will come a day when the fullness of God's kindom will change all things and make them whole again.  if we believe this, maybe we can rest in the fact that even though our world is fallen and falling apart it will ultimately be ok.

he's still going to vote.  i'm going to vote.  for whom? i am not yet sure.

.jrs.

what a trip

I am here in Jena, but it wasn't easy.  If an adventure is measured by things going wrong, I think mine would

be just big enough for me. 

In Chicago, US Airways had two gates they listed as departing from, F10 and F8.  My ticket said F10.  All

of the displays said F8.  Neither said they were going to Philadelphia (my next stop), but i was a couple 

hours early, so i didn't pay it much attention.

I went around looking for outlets to charge my phone and get a couple last calls in.  That was easy enough, but

it took me around the concourse a bit.  Then i sat and waited where the displays said to, F8.  Looking out

the window, it was easy to see that F8 was not usable, but i wrote it off.  I figured they could extend

the walkway over all the carts and such.  Time passed and eventually I looked at a guy's watch.

11:15.  My plane left at 11:30.  Something was wrong.  So I got up and walk around the corner to hear the

final boarding call and just get on in time.  I had some goofy tickets too, so it took a second longer at the gate.

What luck I had to look at the guy's watch.

From there, Philadelphia was fine.  Plugged my self in a bit more and called the fam.  Internet still

wasn't free or technically available (that should really be a priority for every airport to have free,

quality wifi for everyone).  so leaving the States could hardly have been easier.

I arrive in Frankfurt tired from the flight (i had an empty seat next to me, but still couldn't sleep).

We all get off and take a shuttle bus to the terminal.  No problem.  My bags are checked through, so all

I have to do is get my way to the next plane.  I walk around and suddenly see the check in area.  It's like

we just got in the airport.  Whatev.  So i wait in a line for a couple minutes.  Wrong line.  So i try

somewhere else, wrong again, but they tell me better where to go.  Still can't find it, so i ask the next

person, bingo.  Finally i get to the Transfer Check-in.  Easy goes it till the lady says, "Oh, you better

hurry.  They are boarding your flight now."

What?  So i hustle through an unnecessarily slow security checkpoint and run down the terminal.  Gladly,

I get to my gate with a small line waiting, so i take a breath, grab a drink from the fountain, and wait.

Again I get a great seat and start to nap away.  

At this point, I am starting to crunch the numbers for my getting to the train on time.  I come up with 80

minutes from landing to train leaving.  Should be do-able: 20-30 minutes waiting for bag, 5 for the bus, 30

minutes through the city, leaving a couple minutes to wait for the train.

But our plane leaves late.  I start thinking I can do it, but just barely.  Get to the train as it leaves.

Then we circle Berlin for about twenty extra minutes due to some computer glitch.  As we fly around over the

white tundra of cloud cover, I begin to doubt my chances.  As soon as we land, I'm ready to bolt.  I'm quick

off the plane.  I follow the crowd through one set of doors and the next.

I keep following the crowd till I'm just about at the street. What? Where's the baggage claim?  Everything 

looks like check in.  So I go ask.  Apparently I went one step too far and missed the baggage claim.

So i walk around a bit to find the Lost and Found.  They send me down the hall, outside, down the stairs,

and to the shady little building for lost baggage.  If you want to smuggle stuff into Berlin, forget your bag

and skip customs by going out the entrance.  I saw at least three people do that.  

After waiting over an hour and a half (that would be 90 of my then 50 minutes to catch the train), my bag

arrives.  Quickly through customs.  Man i packed a lot of junk.  Try walking around a place you've only

been through once, briefly, with three heavy bags, and without a clue where to go.  I saw all these buses,

and i knew i needed one, but which one I couldn't tell.  Finally i break down and go ask the information desk.

Perfect.  Three minutes till the bus leaves for the train station.  Hop on (didn't have to pay, i dunno why but

the past two times i offer money at the front and the driver looks at me like i'm crazy and tells me to just

get on.  maybe he couldn't break a 10, i dunno.  i dont care, free ride.) and ride to the station.  I freak out

a bit because they say we're their one light before we get to the stop.  Look like a dummy trying to get off 

the bus early.  

I know from there I'm ok, I just have to figure out what train to catch.  Sure enough, the guy at the travel

center tells me my ticket is flexible and I can catch the train to Jena leaving in fifteen minutes.  Awesome.

Enough time to call Rocco so he isn't waiting two hours on me.  Wrong.  The train is early, and I'm not sure I have

change for the phone (which i ended up having 11.70 of when i counted later)  So i get on the train, not wanting to miss it,

sit myself down and rest.  The two seats i try to sit in happened to have been reserved, but it's hardly a problem.

I just act confused (easy enough) and scoot over.  What a smooth dream of train, too.  I wanted to stay awake to help

with jet lag, but i couldn't have said my name let alone sit still on a smoothly rumbling ride without dozing off.

Two hours late(r), I get off the train thanks to the guy next to me who points out in my stupor it was my stop.

Get off to see Rocco down the way.  

What a great trip!  Seriously, it was fun.  And now I'm here.  To be honest, it hasn't fully connected that

I'm living here for the next seven months.  It just doesn't seem real.  Or maybe it just doesn't seem like 

that big of a deal.  But it is.  My mind is going about this so lazily, it's almost disturbing.

either way, here i am.  it's cold.  life is a bit strange still.  i'm tired.  and the road ahead of me is

long.  very long.  better get walking then.

.jrs.

garsh

i can get really tired  . . . and get nothing done.

t minus a little while until i leave and i need to tie up some ends.

now i need to sleep.

.jrs.

tick, tick, tock, how the time so passes

watch as we wait till the day will end.

i had the chance to sit down with martha smallwood at westlink today.  i knew it was going to be a good meeting, but i was surprised in the end with how peaceful i felt.  i wouldn't expect to leave a meeting with someone feeling at ease, but that's exactly what happened.

not only was i able to share where i've been, where i'm headed now, and how i could grow in the future, but i also felt challenged and encouraged through our entire discussion of what i will be doing and how westlink will be able to support me in whatever fashion.

to boot, we were able to sit down with a couple of ladies from the church who are faithful to pray weekly (and i'm sure more) for the body.  i've never thought much of anointing or praying blessings on others, but spending just the few minutes in prayer together was a treat.  the meaning of their words and the encouragement that filled me are hard to describe.

sometimes i sit anxiously, not sure if i will make it in jena (in many ways) or if it will really be the best thing for me now, but coming home from church tonight i felt a strong peace in my heart about the path i am on.

may i walk the path by the light i see.

.jrs.

changing winds

sometimes you can sit on a back porch on a nice day with a light breeze and see the soft tree limbs bounce back and forth.  the winds blow you one way a bit, and they pull you back a bit.  it's all a fun little game.

then the wind will pick up something fierce from a new direction, and with it rolls in a storm driving you off the porch to the living room inside.  

maybe that's how we see changing winds, as putting a damper on our plans.  we can also see them as driving us in new directions.  after all, could a sailor really sail without the wind behind him (well, yes, but not very fast).

this past week has left me a little winded to say the least.  just over two weeks from take off to Jena, I found out that the opportunity to work with one of my best friends down in Mexico was very real.  I all but cancelled my plane tickets and drove my self on down to Phoenix and beyond to live lovely Sonora, but I didn't.

I knew I needed to tap the breaks, if only ever so slightly, and get some advice.  I waited a bit and talked to my parents and some friends.  Then I talked to Rob Harris, director of Kontaktmission USA.  What he reminded me of has now become the wind in my sails to Germany.

It's pretty common when we as American Christians think of missions to first think of South America, Africa, or China.  These places, or places similar, are in obvious need.  They need houses built or wells dug or Bibles summgled in past oppressive governments.   In meeting their needs we can show them our love we've learned from Christ and bring them new hope and faith in him.  These works are all great, and most of us jump at the chance to go out and fill these needs or at least support those who can do so.

What we forget about are sometimes places much closer, if only in thought.  We forget a lot about our own communities, and that's a problem in itself, but who we seem to forget the most about are the millions of men and women living well over in Europe.  We see their wealth and high culture, and we write of the need.  The sad thing is they usually see their wealth and high culture and write themselves off as well.  With all their things, they don't need God anymore.  But they do.

I know the needs of the world can be met in so many ways, but I also believe they should all be met as much as possible.  With so many people working in the third world, I can hardly justify moving myself their.

Personally, I know that I am uniquely able to serve in Jena with this church where many others would not be able.  For this reason, I set myself to go.

Who's going with me?

.jrs.

soooo

i bought a plane ticket. funny story on that, i lost 200 bucks. hopefully the last time i waste time.

well, i'm gonna go ahead and tout my.kontaktmissionusa.org/profile/jacobrstarkey (it's a long url, but remember it). that's my km site, and it's not too bad.

i'm gonna still rock this guy here and there. on top of it all, i really need to get on top of wordpress or some other site building software. i need my own place to roam, but we'll just see how well it goes.


give me prayers that i will become the best i can be.

.jrs.

3162041520 call me if you want

one day

one simple day, a day in waiting, can change your mindset in so many ways.

maybe for me it was a series of days (all of which should have taken place so very long ago). this past week i got an email from rocco, rob, and mark, all about my life as a missionary. i also sent out my first bit of letters to begin building my circle of support as i enter this phase of life.

i realized one thing over all this past week or two: as i prepare for the next seven months, i prepare for the rest of my life.

maybe i won't be spending the rest of my life in germany helping people understand and build their faith in Christ, maybe i will. either way, i'm focusing for the first time in my life on engaging the people i care about and actually caring about them and asking them to care about me.

it really is a unique time in my life.

.jrs.

10 june 2008

ff to the 9 of june

so, this whole concept doesn't really work without updating every day. . .

here goes anyway.


















ok, so that's kind of a flood, but i did find out how to do it quickly (now that i'm almost done)

31 may 2008

30 may 2008

29 may 2008

27 may 2008

i never thought spending $1200 would feel so easy

I sat down on Friday to finalize the flight plans for the trip I'll be taking to Germany coming up.

So I leave 27 May and get back 11 June.  I was talking with some friends and they mentioned the idea of me leaving all of my clothes and stuff in Germany since I'll be coming back.  I'm not sure if it's a fool-proof plan, but it does sound appealing.  

It's kind of a scary thought at the same time.  Fly over with a suit case and my carry on.  Pack for a pretty good amount of time.  And leave it all there.  Come back with the clothes I will be wearing, my backpack, a few things, and a couple dollars in my pocket.

It would really be a big step in moving myself to Germany, at least mentally.  I think I'll only entertain it in the back of my mind and ask the guy I'm staying with before I leave if he's ok with it.  (Rocco, if you're reading this, I guess my cover is blown.  What do you think?)

Oh well.  For now, I need to finish college.  One paper + one test (in Intro to Missions [yeah I should've taken it as a freshman, so what?]) and I am finished with classes.


I should really start that paper.


.jrs.


::prayer::

• That I quit thinking about finances too much.  Buying a plane ticket has really had me strap a noose around my budget.  Not a bad thing, but it's bumming me out sometimes.
  
• That God continues to test and improve my faith and love.  These have been two areas I've struggled in for a while now, and I need them more than ever (don't we all?).

• 
  

not as easy as i thought

train tickets are expensive.  and confusing.


i'm gonna go try the travel agent. . .


.jrs.

houston, we have contact

A few days ago Rocco sent me an email, and today I replied.

With the end of my college career looming over my head (my final exigetical paper is on the verge of me finishing it) I am beginning to see the next step.

I really love everything that has made up my life here at MCC, but I feel so detached from it as of late.  I've seen a lot of friends come and go, and now it's my turn.  I sat down today to watch Liverpool almost blow their game against Chelsea, and I realized that it won't be long till I'll be watching some real fußball (actually I think the UEFA Euro 2008 kicks off while I'm in Germany in June).


prayer?

• energy; i've been working a lot and pulling a lot of all night paper writing stints that won't end for another week or so.
  
• revival; in my own spiritual life and in the life of our campus here at MCC (we're focusing on our student body's spiritual revival this April)

.jrs.

college life

one week from now i will be finished with my final two papers for college.

one week from now i will go to a travel agent and try to figure out my trip in june.

one week from now i will begin coasting my way towards the biggest change of my life.

one week from now.  not today, not tomorrow, one week from now.  that's the college life.

one week from now.

allow me an early start

a wise voice called out to me today: start early.  get going.  do not wait until the last hour.

so here i am.  here is a catalogue of my thoughts and experiences along my journey.  

please enjoy:

today rob emailed me.  i've been keeping my eye on tickets to germany for my visit in early june, but that's about as far as i had given myself to dealing with the next step of my life.

i've thought much of it through (at least to the next year or so).  i've been planning on going for the SIM (short internship ministry) training and meeting rocco in june, coming back to work and raise support this summer, then going back sometime after august for a longer stay.

most of my plans still seem to be on par with what will happen, but they still seem so far off.

even the planning of this first couple weeks in june is a bit harder than i expected.  i've never met with a travel agent before, and i'm not sure if it will be the best deal, but i might end up trying that out for the first time.  every part of the experience is old and new at the same time.  i've been traveling for years, and even alone for a long while, but the details have always seemed to be handled for me.  now it's all me.

it's a big step, but look forward to it even as i take it.


.jrs.

prayer concerns:

• that my passion and integrity is challenged and encouraged by the Holy Spirit
• that plans for this first visit in june develop smoothly
  
• for the people i will meet and come to know over the next few years
• for my dedication to the last few weeks of school