growing pains

“It’s all just part of life,” they say. When I was growing up, I was always one of the smaller guys in the group. For years I hated my stature, never confident in my abilities, but I never welcomed growing pains. That was until I found out what they were. When I figured out the aches in my knees meant I was getting taller I welcomed it with grins if not grimaces. I so desperately wanted to be taller, even if it meant being the awkward kid who fell down a lot and had a squeaky voice. Somehow, I knew that kid was the one who was moving on past our childhood.

I wonder though what triggers in our minds that tells us we no longer need these pains or that being the lanky one
fumbling around is so bad. You would think by now we’d get it. I’m getting it again in some of the strangest ways. Tonight we played a couple games in Jaron’s room. A little background to make this painting pop: Jaron is three years old. Around his room disjointed, halfway broken toys and trinkets lay taking up just as little space as he does. One of the games we played was Spielgeschichte, the game of telling stories found in pictures. Jaron, Camilla—she’s eleven and sometimes just as tempered as her younger brother—and I each took three characters and their respective tiles. We lined them up nice and straight, Jaron with help from his mom Karoline. Then, taking turns, we each told three small stories. Sadly enough, my stories were of all three the most fumbled.

When I was just halfway through my first story about a pig finding a duck and a hen along a path, I started feeling like I should never had started playing at all. Then I realized these are my growing pains. So I waited patiently and told my stories, as awkward as they were. Maybe soon I will be taller.

one giant leap for. . .

sometimes you have to make a fool of yourself. i just wrote a short letter in german to a made up newspaper about a made up story. i'm not going crazy or wasting my time; it was for my class.

i know for sure at least fifty percent of the letter is comprised of mistakes, and what is at least written correctly either has no real german meaning, is not really a proper response to the article, or is wrong for some other reason i don't yet understand or remember.

all that aside, i wrote a letter in german. i figure if i write a hundred letters, one of them is bound to be good. hopefully not the forty-third one, though, because that would mean i just pulled through by chance.

i regularly hear people say here that my german is really good. i know most of them are offering a genuine compliment, but if they could only see what i really would like to say, maybe they would realize why i disagree.

tschüss

.jrs.

14 oktober 2008

today's class was annoying. i knew i didn't understand the homework, but i was blown away as we went through it. i had no idea what to do, and the simplicity of it all kept slapping me in the face.

i got a fourth of it right. booo. i was constantly frustrated because i had no idea where to begin.

i really just need to get a vocab book (aka a dictionary) and start learning.

.jrs.


prayers - that i start understanding more german
- that i start building new relationships
- that new opportunities keep opening up here

today i am frustrated

sometimes i feel so incapable of learning what i need to learn.

i'm already quiet, so when i don't know how to say what i would say, it's like entering a black hole of communication. everything is just sucked into a void.

sucky.

i'm not sure if i've ever practiced something until i've been really good. that frustrates me even more. i have no track record of improvement.

goodnight.
goodmorning.
goodnight.
goodmorning.
goodnight.

.jrs.

with one hand he giveth, and the other he smacketh thee across the face

jk. but seriously, it's been a while since i last posted. and before that i had a double-day.

inconsistent. yes. but i'll try to stay consistently inconsistent.

i've actually been writing still, i just put it onto a newsletter instead. that's right, november's letter is well under way. prepare to be fall-en. i really love the colors of fall sometimes. oh well, it is to come. i'll probably rip the stories from there and put them here and replace them to keep it well up to date.

times are really starting to pick up. i need to start getting my visa situation dealt with so i can get a bank account here and start being a part of this place. i'm still in a bit of a no-man's-land. like i've said before, though, it's acceptable for now, but not for long.

my friend pointed out the other day that i am technically living in your future. as i write, most of you are enjoying your friday afternoon and i the night. it should be a tame night, joel has soccer in the morning. it's an away game so he'll be up around 6.30 to leave, and it's the first day of his fall break (a whopping two weeks!).

anyway, drop me an email if you wanna hear more. i love to chat, but hate to drag this thing on too long. you know were to find me.

.jrs.


if you don't, it's jacobrstarkey@gmail.com

http://www.ted.com/index.php/talks/dan_gilbert_asks_why_are_we_happy.html

[A]   watch the video on the link in the title and tell  me what you think.

[B]   I'm wearing my glasses now.  I've been wearing the same glasses for the past 9 or 10 years, of course with some changes in perscription.  To be fully honest, this pair I've only had for 8 years or so, but the style is the same.

So much has changed about me, but my glasses have not.  

I had my eyes checked recently, and talked with my parents about getting new glasses.  Just barely on the edge of adulthood, I could probably still get that by without problem.  We were going to do it even, but never did.  I looked at myself in the mirror and saw all of the same things I've seen for so long.  They're round, fully rimmed, a bit uneven looking on my face.  

But then I realized that I wanted them.  I made the choice to have them as my glasses.  This will be who I am now.  Maybe I'll change glasses later, but I decided these are the ones I want.

It's nice believing that you like something.  I'm not saying I had to talk myself into it;  I just had to believe it, and I do.  To be quite honest, it is liberating.

.jrs.

oh garsh!

two-fer: 1) Pizza Shuttle deal in Manhattan,KS, where you can get two pizza's and two drinks for a good deal; see also three-fer, four-fer, etc. (2) Tuesday nights on KRock 101.5 in Manhattan, KS, during which a song is followed by another song from the same band. (3) The rare, but blessed occurance on this blog when I post more than once in a day.

living in manhattan for the past four years has graced me with this idea of the two-fer, so i thought i would shed this light upon you if you hadn't already know it.

i noticed today (not for the first time, but for again) that i just nod my head and agree a lot instead of telling people i don't understand or don't know what they're talking about.  i lie to them, baisically, to make it easier.  

why?

it's obviously not good for communication.  it makes me look stupid, too, well sometimes.  i just don't want to take the time to go over and over and over what is trying to be said, so i take the shortcut.

i need to change that.  i've needed to change that for a long time.

.jrs.

simply put

THANKS

For some reason or another, i've been kindof down the past day or so.  sometimes it's just from being quiet all the time.  i think the changes are starting to come to life for me.  a couple of times i've risen not really knowing where i was.  all this is expected to happen, so it's really nothing to worry about.

but to everyone supporting me through encouragement, finances, emails, everything, one huge thank you.  every single thing, big and small, day and night, even and especially the things i don't see, all these things have really helped keep me in good spirits.

today i slept/prayed/read my bible/slept some more/prayed/whatev until 11.  i felt a bit like a slug, but it was good for me.  i kept having this feeling like i needed to do it, even though i wanted to get up and be a part of life.

anways,  thanks so much.

.jrs.